sometimes this is just hard

Some days all I want is to be a little selfish. I'd really like to be able to eat dinner without having to get up 5 times to grab more juice, new forks, napkins, whatever. Or to just sit down and read a book without being begged to push trains around in a circle again. Or finally clean the bathroom, fold the clothes, whatever chore that needs to get done without a parade crying after my every move.

Let me explain. We finally got rid of Jude's binkie. It was a rough few days but he got over it. However, I realized that the only thing keeping Jude napping was his binkie. Without it, naps do NOT happen. I finally gave in and gave up on Jude's nap when he starting keeping Eleanor awake by trying to play with her and dumping toys in her crib. Losing naptime is like losing my reinforcement wall against an oncoming storm.

Naptime was the only time of the day I could get whatever I needed, or wanted to, done. I could take a NAP if I wanted to. Even on the hardest of days, naptime always came to the rescue. I knew this day was coming, I just wasn't at all prepared for it! I'm trying to enforce "mandatory quiet time," in which Jude has to give me a little bit of space to get things done and play by himself. Yeah, that's working great... so far all I've succeeded in accomplishing is watching Frozen and Cars over and over again.

This week has been incredibly tough for me. I've been grumpy, depressed, bored, and prone to overeating every day without my alone time. Yesterday I started to lose it around 2pm, and neared a breakdown in the dining room, while begging Jude to just play by himself and leave me alone. I realize now how tightly I was clinging to my "me time" during the day. It's loss is making me, really, a bad mom.

Standing in my dining room, listening to Frozen for the umpteenth time, Ellie whining to be picked up, and Jude begging for treats, I had a bit of a revelation. Being a mom is hard. Yeah, that goes in the category of DUH, but I don't think I ever really felt the magnitude of it until this moment. I've always had something to hold on to, to keep me sane, a guilt-free time to just surf facebook and not be the worst parent ever. It kinda hit me like a wave: motherhood is incredibly selfless. I honestly don't know how moms do it.

Please don't think I mean this is some kind of self-serving "oh wow look how awesome and selfless I am" kind of way. Because as I've stated above, selflessness is not a virtue that comes super easily to me. I mean it in a real kind of amazement way. I can not believe that mothers honestly do this. Just be MOMS. Literally putting everything aside for the benefit of someone else; in this case, someone who needs everything from you.

I've been a bit of a brat this week, clinging to my selfish desires, and sometime flat out refusing to do something for or with my kids because I "need" to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT saying that moms need to be these machines who do nothing but care and play with kids. Moms NEED their time. They need to say no sometimes. But I think the magnitude of all just came crashing on me this week.

Heavenly Father wants us to become like Him. How else can we learn to be selfless as He is without our patience, pride, and stamina being tested? As a mom, I'm clearly being tested to my limits. I know it's a small eventually of life, the loss of naptime, but from where I stand right now, it's a mountain to climb. A mountain that from my small view feels impossible. Yesterday I honestly thought that maybe I'd just be stuck here forever, like maybe it'd be easier to just sit down on the climb and give up. But then Christ comes into the picture. There is a distinct picture in my mind of Him looking at me, smiling, and saying "let's go--together." Without my Savior, I don't know how I'd ever get up and over this mountain. With His help, I know I can do it. I'm so far from perfect it's ridiculous, but I love that because of Him, I always get a second chance.

Motherhood is so incredibly selfless, I sometimes honesty wonder if I'll make it. How will I ever get to the point where I can just say, okay, and stop eating my lunch to go clean up a messy, crying baby and not get angry? I'm standing in my dining room, facing mountains, hills, and tiny rocks, but I can cross them all. Eventually.