Let's be real here

I really want this blog to be more of a journal, but I always get so behind in posting that I'm constantly trying to play catch-up, and it becomes more of a quick travelogue. I feel like this often makes the post seemed contrived or overly happy instead of realistic. I want this blog to allow people to keep up with my life and my family, but I don't want it to portray my life as fake or too perfect, like I'm trying to put on a special appearance. I realize it often comes off this way because I don't write when the emotions are raw or events are happening. So I am once again vowing to myself to be more diligent. So let's be real here. This is my life:

This week went by really fast. To me it feels like my week had bookends; only the beginning and the end really stick out.

On Monday morning I carefully planned my weekly shopping trip. Target had the best sales this week, so I decided to go there instead of my usual trip to the grocery store. We live two blocks from a Target, but of course that one doesn't have fresh groceries, so I would have to travel to the next city over to get the groceries. Honestly, I didn't really mind; I love that Target. So I decided to take the kids out to Target before mid-day nap time and get our groceries.

 Getting two kids out of the house is a chore. Jude refuses to let me change his diaper or dress him. He runs and climbs on his bed, smiling because he knows he's doing something wrong. Fine. I threaten to lock him in for timeout if he doesn't come down. He refuses, so I lock him in his room. Immediately, Jude jumps down from his bed and starts screaming and pounding on the door. Are you ready to get dressed then, Jude? I ask as I open the door again. Nope. He immediately runs back to the bed smiling. It's a game for him and he loves it. So I lock him in again for timeout. This happens 3 more times before I finally get him to lay down and get a diaper change. I'm sure there is a better way to handle this toddler rebellion but I don't know what it is, and frankly, I'm too tired to care. Next, I have to dress Ellie. While I change her I can hear Jude has taken my phone and is now blasting some game. I yell at him to put down my phone, but I know he'll ignore me. I don't have the energy to fight it, but I hate the sticky residue left on my phone afterwards. Within five minutes of getting Eleanor dressed, she spits up. It's not that bad, so I just leave her in the outfit. I know a really good mom would get new clothes on so her daughter doesn't have to sit in wet clothes, but I just don't do it. Finally, I start to get dressed. Don't jump on the bed while your sister is laying there! I remind Jude over and over. Don't run headfirst into the closet door! I'm just trying to get dressed here, kid! Let me have five minutes! I only get about 30 seconds. After throwing on some passable for public outfit I strap Eleanor into her seat and go to pull my hair into the only style I know these days: boring ponytail. While I get ready I explain to Jude that we're going to Target! The one with the stairs! He suddenly gets really excited and runs to the door; he knows there are toy trains there, and he LOVES stairs. Ellie starts crying and whining from her seat. Great. She's hungry. I contemplate for a minute whether I should feed her or just go. Don't be stupid, Linda. You HAVE to feed her baby! So I pull her back out, grab a bottle, and sit down to feed her. I would nurse her, but I have to supplement these days due to low supply, which is probably why she's hungry again already. I try to calmly explain to Jude that we can't go yet, I have to feed sister. Bursting into tears, Jude starts screaming and pulling on the door handle to get out. He wants to go NOW and I am standing in the way of his pursuit of trains and stairs. It takes me five minutes to get him to calm down; I finally manage it by singing his favorite songs: the choo choo song, the wise man and the foolish man, and twinkle twinkle. Ten minutes later, Eleanor finishes her bottle. I strap her back into the seat and finally we are ready to go, over 45 minutes later.

Car rides are interesting. Jude yells out every time he sees the train tracks (which is the whole way, since the road parallels the tracks). Ellie screams from her seat because she hates her carseat. I pull up to a red light, put the car in neutral, unbuckle and turn around to blindly grope for her pacifier and insert it in her mouth. I turn around just in time to take off. A minute later she's dropped the pacifier and is screaming again. Uh oh! Uh oh! Jude yells. Thanks, kid. I know she's crying. We reach the intersection before Target and Jude starts shouting, STAIRS! STAIRS! CHOO CHOO! CHOO CHOO! He knows exactly where we are and where we are about to go. I'm not sure how I'm going to get him in and out of Target without a meltdown for a new train.

Ellie is asleep when we get out of the car. Taking two kids into a store like this is a logistical nightmare. Both kids need to go in the cart, but there isn't room. I've tried every configuration and kind of cart possible, but it's always terrible. I want to put Eleanor into a my wrap to carry her, but I also don't want to wake her up. She hasn't taken a nap today and she is a TERRIBLE sleeper. So I opt for putting her car seat in the front of the cart and Jude in the main part. After we ride the escalator up AND down AND up again once for Jude we can start our shopping. It all goes downhill from there. Jude immediately wants to get out of the cart and starts standing up. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result. If so, I am definitely insane. I decide to try letting Jude walk, even though I know this will end poorly. We walk past the toy aisles and Jude is quickly distracted by a Monster's Inc toy.  I manage to get him away from that toy and he sees the trains. I quickly jump in and explain that he can't have any trains, but he can tell me which ones he wants Santa to bring him for Christmas. Then, I remind him that we are getting candy today (Christmas candy...I'm addicted already) and he can hold it. That helps him and he waves goodbye to the trains without a fight. Small victories!

We move on the bulk of our shopping in the food department. I let Jude hold the bag of candy, and of course, he starts trying to open it. Ugh. Then, Jude decides he no longer wants to walk and must sit where Eleanor is. After only 5 minutes in the store, Ellie woke up and did not take the rest I hoped she would, so I decide to switch them around. In the middle of the aisle I pull Eleanor out of her seat, wrap in my wrap, and lift Jude into the cart. Normally she likes the wrap and goes to sleep, but she's outgrown the old position and doesn't like the new one very much. She constantly pulls her head back instead of resting it on my chest, looking around frantically. She quickly becomes fussy and upset. Meanwhile, Jude is still trying to open the candy and pull random things from the shelves. I try my best to speed up my shopping, practically running down the aisles. Some of the items I carefully planned to get are out of stock already (good deals go fast I guess), which is frustrating in an already increasingly stressful situation. I do my best to come up with alternatives on the spot, but can't spend too much time looking at prices or items before the kids become antsy from being in one spot too long. I'm certain I've missed half my list but I finally decide that's good enough and rush to the checkout. There are few cashiers and the line is long. Jude tries to get out. No, we are not all done! Sit your bottom down! It's finally our turn and I can feel my stress levels rising even more. I put a struggling baby back in her seat, now sitting on the sides of our cart, and put away the wrap, hoping that will help calm things down, while the cashier asks me questions I can hardly pay attention to. He struggles with the coupons I have given him for the formula, which have to be run individually as checks. I can see the guy behind me in line starting to get frustrated. A kind manager comes over and offers to get another cart to help me out to the car. I'm grateful for the help, but it still doesn't help my stress level go down.

The drive home is the same as the drive out. We make it to our garage, where I juggle the carseat with a screaming baby, a wiggly toddler, and as much of the groceries as I can take on the long walk to our apartment. I still have more to get so I lock the baby in the house (which always makes me feel super guilty, like something terrible is going to happen right at that moment) and go back out to the garage with a toddler screaming behind me to open the candy. He demands that he get to close the garage, even though my hands are full and I have to put them down to pick him up to push the button. Right as I'm getting back into the house it dawns on me that I forgot to give the cashier all the coupons I had so carefully planned on my phone and I probably wasted $10-$15 dollars. It's not so much the money that matters, but the fact that I took the time to plan it out and then didn't do it. It's the last straw for my anxiety. Both kids are screaming, both needing me right now, all the groceries need to be put away, I haven't eaten anything today, and I just lose it. I break down into sobs on the floor of my living room. I am the worst mom ever, and maybe I just can't do this. I call Peter at work in tears to tell him I'm just having the worst day, and he talks me down. I somehow manage to get Jude into bed for nap and feed Ellie. Things are hard and maybe I'm not that great of a mom. Maybe I don't have it all together and maybe I fed Jude candy and called it lunch. I'm not winning any awards here. My day moves on.

Friday is different. That morning Eleanor smiles when she sees me and gives her little baby half giggle noise. I keep holding her close to my chest and kissing her cheeks. Do you know I love you Eleanor? I ask her over and over. I'm so glad you are part of our family! I tell her repeatedly. She keeps smiling and cooing. For the first time she starts to play with the toys in her gym. She stares up at them in wonder and grabs hold of the rings. She kicks her little feet into the air and hits them. She smiles and makes her little noises.

Jude sits on the floor and plays trains with me while Eleanor takes her morning nap. We take an old applesauce box from the recycling and put it at the end of the train track. This is the train's house, I explain. This is where the trains rest when they are tired. Jude quickly catches on. He picks up each train and rubs his eyes, his language for sleepy. Then he drives each one into the box. Later we pull them out and push them around. Jude rubs his eyes again and picks up the trains; they're tired again and go into the box. After Eleanor wakes up and I feed her, I want to take the kids to the library for the first time in a long time. I explain to Jude that we can get a train book. He becomes unbelievably excited at the prospect. The kids do their usual screaming and yelling in the car, but I drown them out with early Christmas music.

At the library Jude excitedly grabs a little pull cart. He puts in his Snoopy stuffed animal and his box of trains that he simply could NOT leave the house without. He pulls his toys around as I show him the Thomas the train books. CHOO CHOO! CHOO CHOO! he yells and puts them into his basket. When I try to get him to follow me upstairs so I can get a book, he misunderstands and runs out of the library setting off the alarms. I have to chase after him, leaving Ellie in the stroller, and drag him kicking and screaming back into the library. As I get back to the stroller it occurs to me that I'm probably a bad mom for leaving her alone, but I'm not sure how else I could have caught the toddler. Maybe I'm not so great after all. We ride the elevator up and Jude pushes all the buttons. He understands the difference between the "2" button and the "star" button. It's funny how ridiculously excited he gets about buttons. We make it up, get my book, and check out. Jude gets a little wild while I talk to the librarian about a fine, but we survive. Eleanor is asleep and I get a rare peaceful car ride home.

While Jude naps, I manage to eat (a feat within itself) and get Eleanor to sleep. I decide to work on my quilting, a new skill I'm trying to learn that is much, much harder than I anticipated. It turns out I cannot sew or cut as straight as I thought. Jude wakes up a little early from his nap and I'm not ready to be done sewing, so I convince Jude to lay on my bed and read his books. I wish I had taken a picture, it was such a sweet moment. Soon, Eleanor wakes up, but I managed to finish all my quilt blocks. What do you want to do now, Jude? I ask as I nurse Ellie. WALKY! WALKY! He replies. And so I begin the long process of getting us out the door for a walk. After several attempts to get on shoes and jackets, I get Eleanor in her seat and I go to get dressed into something more comfortable for walking and pushing a giant double stroller. Jude manages to take off his shoes and coat AGAIN. And AGAIN. Finally, we get out the door.

I put Eleanor and Jude into our large but great deal of a double stroller. We take off for our usual walk down to the train station and back. CHOO CHOO! CHOO CHOO! PAP PAP PAP PAP! Jude shouts as we walk, meaning trains and bunnies. Two of the houses we pass by have pet bunnies in their front yards and Jude loves to look at them go PAP (hop). We spot one of the rabbits on top of the porch stairs. STAIRS! STAIRS! Jude yells more excitedly. I decide to let Jude get out and take a closer look. Walky Walky, he asks when I try to put him back in the stroller. So I let him walk while I push the baby. He runs ahead of me, screaming joyfully as he crunches through the many fall leaves. He excitedly tells me about the train he can't wait to see.

As we walk, I start to pray to Heavenly Father. I tell Him how incredibly grateful I am to be a mother to these two beautiful children. Eleanor, who loves to smile and get kisses. Jude, who loves to run and hold his trains and see the bunnies. I can't stop saying how glad I am that I get to be their mother and that I have a family. Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond what I can understand; I don't know how I deserve such happiness. It comes in such small, simple things, like watching the train go by or finally being able to grab that hanging toy. I love being a mom. I want to have these children forever. I have never wanted an eternal family so badly.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I cry and feel like a failure. Other days I praise God for the great gifts I have in my family. In the last general conference, Elder Christofferson quoted Neal A. Maxwell, and I often think of it as I go about my daily activities. “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?”